Delusion

Deny. Deny. Deny.

It’s not real. This can’t be it.
It can’t be.

I can’t be stuck in this molasses.
I can’t be stuck wading through these waters.
This quicksand of consciousness is killing me.

This reality.
It’s too slow. It’s taking forever!
Are we there yet?
No we aren’t.
When will we be there? Why is this taking so long?

What the hell is taking so long?

This is standard.
This is mundane.
It’s just average.

It is run of the mill.
But we’re the ones running the mill.

Why is it taking so long?
Why does it take forever?
When will it happen?
When will it be true?

When do I get to see?
When will it be perfect?
When? When!

That’s a question.
And so what do you have to say for yourself?

…
…
…….

But what can I say, I’m a dreamer.

I know it could be better.
I just know it.
I can feel it.

I’m not satisfied.

Hold on a moment, I’m not dissatisfied either. I’m not discontent.
But Happy wouldn’t be the word I’d use either.

This is a weird Purgatory of Existence. And we’re all stuck in it.
I want more. But I don’t know if I’ll get it.
I don’t know if it’ll happen.
I just don’t know.
I’m just not sure.

I can see it.
I can feel it.
But is it real?

I’ll stick to my dreams.
They are perfect, after all, you know.
This. Here. Now.
All of it.

Doesn’t it bore you?
Doesn’t it bother you?

Don’t you wish there could be more?
Don’t you wish this wasn’t it?

It is not boring.
But does it not bore you?

Isn’t there more?

Is it supposed to be so…
this?

I don’t think if I can do that.
I don’t know if I will make it.
I just don’t know.

And so I’ll refuse.
I’ll refuse all of it.
Deny. Deny. Deny.

I refuse to believe this is it.
Maybe the dream will prevail.

I refuse to accept what’s been given.
I refuse to accept this is normal.
I know it is, but I refuse to accept normal.

Do I have to accept it?
Can’t I live in denial?

Can I somehow circumvent it all?
Can’t I just have it all?

Or is that not how it works?
No, no, I don’t think it is.

So in the meantime…
It always feels like meantime…

I guess I’ll make it harder for myself.
I guess I’ll keep going.

I’ll swim upstream and wade the current.
At least I get to keep fishing.

But what about the Class 5 rapids?
What about the roaring waves and the waterfalls?

What happened to the rivers that run rampant?

What about the River of Live that takes me by storm?
These ponds and lakes just won’t do.

Give me more. Give me more!

I want the waves, the current, and the tides.
Let me be overwhelmed and sucked under.
But I also want to get out alive.

I want my legs to be on fire and my arms to be on fire,
and my hair and mind and everything to be on fire.

I want my eyes to ache and my heart to hurt.
I want it all to go numb.

I just want to feel…
i just want to feel.

I just don’t know if the artist will ever be satisfied.

Dreamer, remember?

Let me use my fancy words.
Let me trip you with the complexity of it all.
Let me set the traps of truth and color circles of confusion.

I want it to be amazing.
I want you to be impressed.

You will, won’t you?

I don’t need it to make sense.
I don’t need it to be real.
It just has to be cool. It just has to be celebrated and talked about.

I just need you to think I know what I’m talking about.

But I don’t know. I never do.
I ramble. I contemplate.
I mistake and misstep and stay mysterious.

I’m just as lost as the next guy.

We’re all just a bunch of ramblers aren’t we?
Rushing through the forest? Stomping and stopping and smashing?

When does it make sense?
What does it all mean?

Let me disassociate to my little dream world.
Let me dream.
Then, at least, I won’t have to face the imperfections… the imperfections of the Finite.

Let me explore the Ether of my mind.

There!

There it is all real.
There I have everything I need, everything I want.

There I am anything I want.

I will dream. It’s perfect there.
It’s perfect.

How dare you pity me with your compassion?
How dare you taint with this delicate search for self-worth?
How dare you interfere?

Don’t you dare bring me back to Earth.
I’m off adventuring and you bring me back here?

It was perfect.
Oh, it was perfect.

But now we’re back here.
God damn it.

But I suppose here it is a beautiful dance.
The ride and the rider.

At least it is a direction.
At least I’ve picked.

Nevermind the meaningless meandering.
Nevermind the nonsensical noise.

Disregard all of that.

Nowhere.
And everywhere all at once.

I’m dreaming of the waterfalls, but
maybe I’m still stuck in the pond.

And maybe that’s the point.

*“Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming "Wow! What a Ride!”*