First Written: 15-Apr-2023 | Sat 02:55

Dude this shit is waayyyy too strong.

Like un-consensually strong. I fight back, trying to resist, and somehow still get sucked in by the vortex. It’s like a bunch of little whirlpools surrounding me and the longer I spend around one the stronger it gets.

Just being around these motherfuckers… I can feel my ambitions lowering. Hardly an exaggeration – I’ve got aspirations and goals and just existing next to these people… I can feel the dreams starting to float away.

They say you’re an average of the 5 closest people around you. Holy guacamole is that the truth.

It’s like a herd of dementors that just SLUURCHPPP, suck the ambition out of you. Expecto Patronum only lasts so long before they make their way back and keep on sucking your soul from you, against your will, whether you like it or not.

A month and a half ago I moved to a new city and holy smokes man… I knew it before but now I reallllly realize it – People are everything.

Everything.

Everything about your life revolves around the people you spend your time around. Your coworkers, your parents, your friends, your family, your roommates – They all sculpt us.

Every single person we interact with influences us in some way – The way we think, our values, the way we act, everything. The closer that person is to us, the more of an influence they have.

Your coworkers go and work out at the gym – Congrats, that’s your new hobby. Oh, your roommates all rock climb? Congrats, you’re now a rock climber. Scratch that, your roommates like to drink and blackout every weekend? That’s life now.

You can check your aspirations, ambitions, finances, good habits, bad habits, eating habits, interests, workout schedule, humor, lifestyle, and life story at the door:

You are now part of The Group.

I don’t get it. Why are we humans so dang malleable? Like we’re all just balls of clay waiting to be sculpted. Ready for anyone and everyone to leave their imprint on us.

Terry pulls us this way and Jerry pulls us that way. We become an average of the both – A weird Ter-Jer Creature we become.

So I know you want to be that thing but all of your family and friends are this thing… so you’re going to be this thing forever and always. What’s up with that?

There’s beauty to it too, though. It’s one of the great things about being human – our ability to adapt, get along, and assimilate in a group. Evolutionarily, it’s a survival tactic. We survive better when we live in Community. We always have.

Picture it- A gazillion years ago… you want to go hunt a Saber Tooth Tiger by yourself? Good luck mate, that thing is going to eat you for an early morning snack.

The ability to group-ify is what keeps us alive. We’re social creatures by nature and there’s a reason for it.

But if we’re not careful, if we don’t guard our attention and be intentional about who is in our life… oh boy. Bad news bears. Our life is taking a turn for the, well, whoever steps into our life, really.

How Do We Hack It?

Well think about it, the sheer volume of human beings and their variety of interests is immeasurably vast. There’s damn near an infinite number of lifestyles, hobbies, and perspectives.

Lucky for us, we’re now blessed with the luxury of choosing who will be in our life. It’s easier now than ever with access to millions of people at our fingertips.

Obviously easier said than done but we can sculpt, at least partially, who is influencing and speaking to us. We spend so much damn time online anyways, so why not use it to our advantage? Why not sculpt our entire internet presence to surround ourselves with people we wish to become?

We curate towards people we look up to/enjoy to a small extent but we’re pretty bad at being intentional about it… just like picking our social groups.

We need to be more intentional about the people speaking into our lives both physically and digitally.


The beauty is that once we realize this we can curate our digital presence to aid in creating a better version of ourselves. We can use it to create the dream version of us.

You know how many weird, off-kilter Facebook Groups there are? I found one the other day called Taking Gum from Telephone Poles and Eating It. 46 people. Yeah, crazy, right?

Ok, that’s a lie I didn’t… but we can curate our feeds to surround ourselves digitally with whomever we want. We’re no longer restricted on Saturdays to hang out with that weird cousin that picks his nose and feeds it to his dog.

We have options.

Dude I just met a 27-year-old who complained about how old they were getting… how old they were.

“ahhh I’m getting so old, 30 is right around the corner. I don’t wanna get old” they exasperated as they munched on some homemade cheesecake (the cheesecake was delicious by the way)

What the hell are you talking about?? You’re 27… literally a fountain of youth. You have the rest of your life in front of you.

Her friend obediently agreed “omg I know, right! ahh, I don’t want to get old”


“right!!”

It all made sense. The friend group all had the same fears and mentality on life.

That’s how the fuck it works. That’s why they’re friends. Or rather, their desire for friendship leads them to agree upon some general principles.

Those are not the type of people I wish to be when I grow up. And don’t pretend like you’re not. We’re all growing up. I don’t care if you’re 83 and frail – There’s still room to shift your belief and lifestyle if you so desire.

As I said, not the type of people I wish to be. We’re restricted to our family and often our coworkers. But our friends are optional and our digital world is optional.

I’m not certain that I’ve found the perfect friends in my area – But I use the Internet to increase the presence of my closest friends in my life.

I follow accounts of people that I wish I could live like. Skydivers, comedians, writers, dreamers, entrepreneurs, adventurers, snowboarders, salsa dancers – All with the intent of curating a life in which those aspects become part of it.

If we don’t already have a group we’re going to fight tooth and fucking nail to belong to one, even if that means sacrificing our own opinions. We crave belonging and sometimes it comes at the sacrifice of what we value.

So beware of the types of relationships you’re valuing and seek the one’s you truly value.

Present Day

I used to get so unbelievably frustrated at people who immediately just dropped their values in order to fit into a group. It’s still frustrating but now at least I understand.

How can that person say that? How can they be such an asshole? Why does this person live such a weird life?

Well, chances are they’re just fitting in with a group.

We all are.

The new car. The brand new bathroom tiles. The fancy shoes. Your job. Your spending habits. Your hobbies. How you spend your time after work. Do you drink? Do you smoke? How you speak. How you think. How you live! Everything.

Take a look at the closest most valued people in your life – I guarantee that there’ll be a lot of overlap.

So I take this as a moment of evaluation… of personal reflection:

Who are the primary speakers in our lives? Who are we listening to? Are we living a life we want to live or are we simply conforming to that of others?

Spend some damn time figuring out what you want out of this life. Then go find some people who want the same thing. I promise that it makes it much easier.

Finding Ourselves

New-Agey, I know. But I’ll be damned if I’m living a life that others want me to live because I don’t understand myself.

It’s fricking painful and it’s difficult and it takes a long time. But it’s a necessary evil. Nobody ever lived a fulfilling life by understanding how someone else wanted them to live.

We can start with social media. That’s probably the easiest and cheapest place to start.

Curate your profile and feed to surround yourself digitally with lifestyles you enjoy. Music, podcasts, and books offer a similar route of exploration.

See what other people do and how they live to see if that’s something you want. There’s no other way but trial by fire.

You have to explore. It’s a requirement for understanding self. You don’t like something? Congrats, you’re one step closer to finding you.

Search on Facebook for groups in your area with people with similar hobbies. We have to expose ourselves to more options to find the people we genuinely enjoy.

If we don’t explore options we’ll forever be confined by the human desire to belong and be perpetually attached to whatever social group is directly in front of us.

Call those friends that you look up to and are inspired by. If there are people like that you value, give them a call anyways. Chances are, they’re looking for the same damn thing.

But the opportunities don’t present themselves. You might get lucky and one stumble in to your life but otherwise we’ve got to create them ourselves.

Hang around people that question, challenge, and humble you. Otherwise, you’re gonna stay stagnant and end up just like the rest of them.

So fucking grateful for my friends who call me on my bullshit and make me feel like I’m not doing enough.

Get better people around you and you’ll be a better person.

Get people who around you that you want to be like.

You’ll end up a better you.

“People don’t give chances you have to take chances”

Lil Wayne

Edit: I wrote this on a Friday night around 2AM after hanging out with some people whose lives were deeply mediocre. The next morning I woke up to the sun blasting me in the eyes and the aggressive thud of arrows hitting a target. Holy fuck I love my roommate. My roommate’s new bow came in.

Few things more motivational than beginning a mundane Saturday by getting after it.

Get you some people that push you to be better. Whatever metric you use to discern ‘better’, use that. And find more of it.