C) Relationships

A Reason for Relationships

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#1: Dead People Say So

#1: The Dying Regret their Dead Relations

5 Regrets of the Dying (5 min article)

#2: Harvard Says So

#2: Harvard Happiness Study (75 years) with 100s of ppl: The single biggest factor determining happiness is the quality (not quantity) of our relationships

“The people who were the most satisfied in their relationships at age 50 were the healthiest at age 80”
70-year Harvard Happiness Study, 15 min summary

#3: Old People Say So

#3: Fundamental Component of all 5 Blue Zones:
A tremendous sense of community

• Okinawa, Japan – Place on Earth with largest number of Centenarians (people over 100)
• Ikaria, Greece – 1/3 of people live past 90
• Loma Linda, California
• Nicoya, Costa Rica
• Sardinia, Italy

Turning a blind eye would be eliminating lessons from our own Survival:
35 min BlueZone Documentary (Netflix)

#4: Japan Says So

#4: Some sources cite Japan as the country with highest life expectancy > They place a very high value on sense of community and the elders

• Book rec: Ikigai (3 hour audiobook)

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30 Min Mind Change

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“Your relationships will rarely be healthier than your self-esteem”

James Clear
>> Relationships with Self

Holes I’ve Crawled Out Of

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I don’t think you ever totally ‘solve’ these things. But you get more effective at interacting with people.

+ Shy and introverted as f**k >> Relationships with Self?
+ Arguments
+ Authenticity (surrender the consequences)
+ Better Friends
+ Better Familial
+ Better Romantic
+ Clear Communication
+ Rocky Relationships (importance of arguing + collaboration)

Related

+ Parenting

We Suck (3 mins)

The quality of our relationships & our lives should not be dependent on our upbringing “Hurt people hurt people”

Relationships

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General Knowledge

1. Chris Voss study where people argued incessantly wanted to fight. That was fine – but had to repeat the argument back before proclaiming theirs – no fight

“I don’t like that man. I must get to know him better”

Abraham Lincoln

In Harvard Happiness Study – It didn’t matter how much they bickered or nipped at each others’ heels… when it really came down to it and the going got tough, it mattered if they knew they had each others’ backs

Stuff You Can Do

• Confused, pissed off, or distraught: Writing
  • Thoughts disentangle
  • 15 mins maybe the single most useful habit for me discovering and understanding the G.D. world around me
  • Anytime my mind is an emotional blizzard putting thoughts onto paper offers tremendous release and helps me make sense of it all. It’s gotten me through fits of rage, raw confusion, breakups, anxiety, and whenever I find myself in a downward tailspin
  • Could totally see an alternative being alcohol, drugs, harm, or suicidal tendencies. Emotions don’t really ask if you’re ready. That shit hits when it hits and if I didn’t have an outlet, the experiences would be far more painful
• When pissed off: Notes app
  • Stole this from Reddit. Instead of ranting to someone or texting them throw it in your notes app first until tomorrow, see if you feel the same way
• Repeat their argument
• Mirror/Label
• Compliments
  • Underrated Activity: Complimenting what people do well
  • Watch how dramatically peoples’ demeanor changes when you tell them what they’re doing right rather than the litany of what they do wrong
  • We’re literally all children. We want to be liked. We’re all craving validation so we keep shouting louder and louder hoping that someone celebrates us
  • If all you did was tell him “Bad dog!” he’d never know what the hell is good
• Microdose Vulnerability
  • Relationships are built on trust. Trust is built on trust. Trust is created with vulnerability.
  • Easier said than done
  • The times I’ve been able to open up and share stuff I’m embarassed, nervous, or insecure about are the times where my relationships grow. Hard as fuk

Romantic

Banksy Picture. Read a book on Negotiations – Crucial Conversations, Getting Past No, Never Split the Difference – Have to have good intentions. Can manipulate people – WHY are you doing the things you’re doing. Morality?? 12 Rules?

2) ID Your Values

Shared values and aligned goals create predictability, opportunity, and trust. https://t.co/u5fVmt7vCg

— Adam Lane Smith | The Attachment Specialist (@AdamLaneSmith) October 31, 2024

• Naval Ravikant Tweet
• Understand yourself and what you need. Helps to also avoid people that may seem alluring but ultimately you won’t get along with
• Figure out why you value friendships that you do… values.

3) Money x Significant Others

4) “Your greatest guide is you”

I have 2 female friends who have both gone through long term relationships (4 and 10 years) that ended in a bad breakup and divorce. “I wish I would have done something earlier” When I asked them when they knew?
“A few months. But I tried to convince myself that it would work.”

I’ve personally experienced it as feeling like puzzle pieces that you want to fit but just friggin don’t. Their stories were what gave me the courage to change.

• It’s hard to listen to ourselves, but we already know

5) Marriage and Happiness

4. 1 min Jordan Peterson little fantasy
5. Choosing woman -> “Making love with a woman and sleeping with a woman are two separate passions, not merely different but opposite. Love does not make itself felt in the desire for copulation (a desire that extends to an infinite number of women) but in the desire for shared sleep (a desire limited to one woman).”
6. 1 min 360* – No single person can fill all the degrees – What are the things you need – Takes self awareness
   • What are your non-negotiables
   • Strong-willed and independent?
   • Adventurous?
7. 1 min Ill take care of me for you if you take care of you fore me
   • Nobody makes you happy. You make you happy or it’s a recipe for disaster
8. 1 min – Arguing is good
9. Attack the problem not the person
10. Both parties give 60%
11. Define the things you can’t live without Non-negotiables
12. Vulnerability how get close – 5 min 36 questions to love
13. 5 min Adam Ruins everything kids

Friendships

4th most common Regret among dying:
“I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends”

Has been something I’ve seriously had to learn. This shit takes effort. And time. But every time I do I’m immensely glad. Life’s going to suck sometimes. Guaranteed. Having that support network has been the shit that gets me thru.

1) How to Know Your True Friends

2) Long drives and 15 min phone calls: If you don’t reach out first, who will?

My buddy Casey turned me on to these calls. It’s easy to listen to music or a book… but it’s just as easy to pick up the phone and call someone.

I’ve found myself not wanting to inconvenience a friend or interrupt their schedule or worry about calling at the wrong time, but then I realized… I’m always glad when a friend calls me. Long drives. Commute from work. Weekends. Every relationship is different, but to call a close friend at least once a month.

Watching my super social friends casually call people helped break me out of this shell. Picking up the phone is so simple and yet it feels like such a hard task.

5) Sending Instagram Reels

That same social friend Casey put me on this.

• Casey sending me reels relentlessly

1. Let it go? Stop fighting the tension
2. Aristotle friendships – it’s fine. Diff ppl diff purposes.
   • Good
   • Pleasure
   • Utilitarian

Family

All the same shit applies with family… everything’s just amplified.
It feels like we reverse back to our High School self, and sometimes we treat those closest to us the worst. I’ve been more guilty of this than I care to admit. Boundaries, vulnerability, apologies, and reluctantly hearing them out seem the only way through.

• Go to the damn Balcony
  • Even more useful
  • So many family relations seem to reactionary rather than intentional
  • Suuuppperrr difficult, but baby steps and gets better over time
• “Seek to understand before being understood”
• With Love: It’s usually better to get along than to be right
  • Why are you arguing – To stake a claim or to genuinely understand
• Forgiveness
  • Our parents were just doing their best. As were our siblings. As were every other person on this damn planet
  • They did the best with the information they had, at their time. I firmly believe that nobody is out ‘to get us’… they were human… dealing with human problems
  • Rex forgive Deems story – Took me hearing that Rex forgave Deems
    • Noah alcoholic mom
    • Rex abusive brother single mom
    • Shane mom stripper left dad addicted to coke
    • Kendrick – Mother (broke generational curse), Father Time
    • Russ – I Love You Boy
      
    • David Goggins – abusive parents, domestic violence, racism
    • Hopsin – Domestic violence, My House
    • Eminem – Mom drug addict, Cleaning Out My Closet
    • Lil Wayne – suicide attempt – Heart Races On
    • J Cole – She Knows, Lost Ones, Immortal
  • • Not a comparison – Helpful to know crazy shit other people have gone thru and come out the otherside
  • Easy to compare our story to others, but life’s a single player game. In Eminem’s words “Nobody asked for life to deal us with these bullshit hands were dealt, we gotta take these cards ourselves and flip them, don’t expect no help.” Beautiful
    • Music incredibly healing – Listen to others’ stories helped me put mine into perspective
      • The Art of Peer Pressure
      • Beautiful
      • maad city
      • Overtime
• You don’t have to agree with their POV, but you do have to understand it
• “People who get therapy are usually byproducts of those who should have gotten therapy”
  • Do the best with what we’ve got. Our parents do the same
• There’s no golden handbook to being a good parent
  • Part of why I create this – Learn from past mistakes, no need to recreate these fucking problems
• Everyone comes with baggage. If we don’t take care of our own consciously, they subconsciously will come out with our kids
  • Helped me to understand my parents POV and what they were lacking
    • Dad – told he’s dumb, never heard grandma say she loved him
    • Mom – no emotional support from grandpa

Parenting

• Positive Affirmation is far more useful than negative
  • Compliments
• “Parenting is more similar to leadership than we think” SMSgt Miller
• Child not able to fully develop psych today
• Positive affirmation – like training a puppy
  • Show the correct way to act
  • If kid kicking and screaming and say you’ll take out of grocery store – You have to take out of grocery store

Extremely Shy af

(like i couldn’t hold a conversation at a football game) – Asked Rex “How do you make friends”
Abstract vs Concrete and Utilitarian vs Cooperation

• Shy Extraverts and Social Introverts
  • Where we gain our energy is our intro/extraversion whereas sociality is a skill that all of us have to practice
• COMPLIMENTS
  • Easiest way to interact with people genuinely
• Predispostion – can relearn anything
  • I hung out with Summer, Matthew, Josh, Yassim, Casey, Madi, Rex and slowly became more social over time – see it in action
• Keep pushing self – no way around it
  • Watching my friends
  • GENUINE COMPLIMENTS – easiest way to start a convo
  • Hi to strangers
  • Convos in coffee shops
  • Humor, commentary on things happening,
  • Watching vids
    • ayorook
• Saying yes to all social options even if don’t feel like it
• Calling damn friends – hated phone calls
• Best way to eliminate bacteria is with sunlight –

True to Self/Understand Others

• Everyone has good intentions from their POV
  • Contrary to my previous beliefs – People aren’t thoughtless numbskulls running around willy-nilly. Sometimes we are, but people acting ‘irrationally’ either don’t have the right information or motivation
• Metrics drive behavior
  • Every
• We’re all selfish (and that’s a good thing)
  • Everyone is motivated to keep self and family alive. Our actions, relations, and lifestyle choices are centered around survival and our own self interest. This is how our species has propagated for thousands of years… it works – It’s been helpful for me to remember that nobody cares about me more than me
• Benefit of the doubt
• 19 min TedTalk Honest and surrender the consequences

Leadership/Parenting

• Hella
• Radical Candor

https://youtube.com/watch?v=UUnRKf2CemA%3Fsi%3DLxdiRKgOq5ralXYU

Other Stuff You Can Do

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• Chris Voss – Study where everyone argued – Repeat their argument back to them until ‘That’s right’ >> No arguments
• mirror/label – people need to be understood
  • Never Split the Difference – transformed my communication game
  • Seek to understand before being understood, 7 Habits
• let them – mel robbins
• FAD – tell a story – empathy – benefit of doubt
• Go to the Balcony
  • Getting Past No
• Vulnerability is how you strengthen relationships
  • Shared suffering also works pretty well
• Boundaries
• In relationships each person has to give 60%
• Every person is rational from their POV – If people are acting irrational, it’s because we don’t fully understand where they’re coming from
  • You don’t have to agree with their POV, but you do have to understand it
• Most humans default to trust – can be taken advantage of, but the alternative is trust issues and that’s far worse
• Who are the people you can be 100% unfiltered around?

Gee Wizz Food For Thought

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• Aristotle types of relationships
  • Friendships of Utility
  • Friendships of Pleasure
  • Friendships of the Good
• EQ is a far greater predictor of success than IQ
• Steve Jobs and Michael Jordan and Michael Jackson – Incredible people that people aspire to be, do they have quality relationships?
• “Proximity breeds affection”
• “Distance makes the heart grow fonder”
  • Perhaps part of what makes breakups so difficult – Even though we wanted the breakup, sometimes it doesn’t make it any less painful

Books etc

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• Crucial Conversations
  • Never Split the Difference 2 Hour Podcast here
• Never Eat Alone
• Emotional Intelligence 2.0 – surprisingly helpful
• 5 Regrets of the Dying

Related

• Defining Decade – relationship slide, we let them
• Radical Candor – Communication from a leadership perspective
• Happiness Hypothesis

2 mins intro script

1. Americans put an awful emphasis on relationships
2. 85 yr old study happiness by Harvard – single greatest factor contributing to long term happiness – quality our relationships
3. Bluezones high sense of commmunity
4. Humans developed nukes, must gas, and f22 fighter jets –
5. Our understanding of relationships at the mercy of our parents – ridiculous
   • I probably look like i dont know anything about relationships
6. Lincoln, Aristotle, clinical psychologists, & Reddit forums do
   • Consolidation every single one of those tidbits of info
   • Romantic, friendships, familial and everything in between – hopefully useful. Enjoy.
7. Spent hours consolidating

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14 mins relationship script

1. 85 year Harvard Happiness Study, over 700 ppl
2. America – culturally, horribly low emphasis on quality relationships
3. Felt isolated growing up. Social enough. Didn’t feel like I fit in. Comfortable
4. Everyones got Bad relations: not super close w parents, very independent and yet they were also controlling, bit helicoptery – always have felt loved
5. Retreat in my hole of isolation – Tunnel Vision – Projects
6. Isolating – met Juli
   • I’ve gotten lucky: The unconditional love of my romantic relationships helped draw me out of my shell – Have to draw lines
   • Romantic relations – w Madi so terrified of inconveniencing her, her unconditional love helped
7. 5 closest friends
8. Was pushing Rex away – “no time to call”
9. BlueZones – Community – helping others is when we feel the best
10. Article and Book – 5 Regrets of the Dying
    • #4: I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends – stories old ppl
11. Buddies with awful upbringings – alcohol, drugs, abuse, immigrants,
12. Dream – Idols assholes
    • Steve Jobs asshole
    • Michael Jordan asshole
    • Jack Harlow – life doesn’t have too many downsides except don’t get to see my family
    • G-Eazy – Missing every birthday anniversary
13. Pale Blue Dot – need purpose
14. Miles – Grandpa John
15. Yassim – Who brings the tea
    • Ways to have better community
16. Panama, Dubai, Italy
17. 99% all problems is misunderstanding – We all want well-being for ourselves and our family. We want purpose and happiness. We just disagree with ways to get there
    • Shy little kid wants 1 thing – help us understand each other better
    • and form better relationships
18. Chris Voss – that’s right
19. Vision – Understand each other little bit better