d) Relationship with Self (2)

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Life offers a swift kicks in the nuts quite frequently (metaphorically of course, ladies, child birth). Left and rights come out of left field and we’re left to tend to our own. Sometimes it is, but ‘work harder’ isn’t always the best way through, as I thought for the better part of 20 years.

We’re overworked and not always taught how to overcome challenges. Worse, we’re beyond stressed and can’t even begin to think about how (thanks anxiety). The bell is rung, the round starts, and we’re in the ringer before knowing if we’re even ready. Don’t get me wrong, pressure makes diamonds, but there’s an art between the grind and the recovery. And without sleep, good luck mate.

The internal monologue makes that place a living hell or an enjoyable grind.

For the longest time I would beat myself up over and over. No matter how good I did or how well I performed it wasn’t good enough. If I did well it was ‘luck’ or ‘not that difficult’ but if I failed it felt like the end of the world. It’s taken time to appreciate my strengths and admit my mistakes. The ego doesn’t always want to let go.

Pretty sure it’s an art to make the most of this uncertainty we call life. Careers end, relationships shatter, and championships are lost. There are ways around and through it. But some are better than others.

Anxiety, stress and confusion are rarely a fun time. There are better ways to embrace the misfortune and misdirection. Hopefully some of these resonate. Just trying to learn from those that already figured it out and spread the wealth.

Sorting
– It doesn’t all matter all that much, you’ll live, life goes on just keep swimming. 10 years from now how will this affect you
– Reframing – challenge not obstacle. Embrace the suck. This makes me strngr
– What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger
– Techniques
– Dub inhale
– Writing
– Meditation


All Resources to Take Care Yo’ Self

My Creations

Quotes

Actionable Steps

  1. Reframe – Every awful, terrible, scary, uncomfortable, gross, shitty situation… is just training for the next awful thing that will happen. It’s not a barrier. It’s a challenge to see what you’re capable of.
  2. Redline Stress – Double Inhale force body to calm down – Longer exhales than inhales force body to deregulate and calm down
  3. Sleep – Mouth tape. Shitty sleep over sustained period of time and you’re just in worse mental and physical state. Why do you think Navy Seal Hell Week is a week of no sleep? Shitty sleep results in worse emotional regulation. We’re more irritable and on edge. Our willingness to tolerate bullshit goes way down. Our ability to think ourselves out of situations go down. Our recovery goes down. My sleep was so bad I was in a fog for the first 4 hours of each day. It fucking sucked. 2 years of research, mouth tape is the only thing that worked. (CPAP helped but was inconsistent and annoying)
  4. 12 mins meditation during stressful periods – data to back.
  5. Extreme Ownership – Even if it wasn’t my fault, I make it my fault… How could I have prevented this? How could I have made it better? What could I have done? Astronomical difference. If you’re whole life you never ask for things, when you do, people will for sure know you need it and will for sure help. Otherwise you’re the boy who cried wolf.
  6. 35 mins meditation to feel fantastic – I feel at peace in the world and don’t need to justify my existence. I just float forward and enjoy the progress I’m having
  7. Choose Your Suffering – Life makes you suffer. Either you intentionally suffer (working out, scary things, doing the uncomfortable) or life is going to make you suffer from low level bullshit
  8. Intentional Fear – If we don’t know real life dire fear, our brains make things up to be scared about

anxiety

Likely, none of these alone will solve the problem. At least not for me. I need quality sleep, to work out about mid-day, and to meditate to feel my best. Even then high stress environments spike my whirlwind of worries. Anxiety stems from evolutionary fear to be kept alive. It’s our job to train the mind that it’s gonna be alright.

5 tools for anxiety
  1. Runs 33 mins (or HIIT ~ 7 mins… also been recommended swimming as an incredibly peaceful and mind-quieting exercise)

“The body should be treated more rigorously, that it may not be disobedient to the mind”
-Seneca

Exercise, specifically runs, have been a game changer for me. Run however long you want, damn it. I hate running. I am not a ‘runner’. But at some point along this journey I was stressed out of my damn mind. Fine, doesn’t have to be runs, but punish the body to clear the mind. Some study I heard once upon a time said 7 minutes of HIIT is the threshold for x amount of benefits. Not compelling I know, but if I need a quick reset that’s what I use.

If I start to feel especially angsty, I ask myself if I’ve slept well and if I’ve moved my body at all today. Studies (don’t ask me where) have also shown around ~1 to 4pm the body starts to get fidgety. Perhaps placebo, but I notice it’s around this time I start to feel extra angsty if I haven’t watered my Plants of Peace. And a beautiful quote:

  1. Saunas ~174* for 20-25 mins (podcast 50 mins)

‘Saunas can decrease all-cause mortality, decrease muscle longevity, and while those who used it 4-7x showed a 40% decrease in all-cause mortality” ^^Results of following males aged 50-65 over 20 years

It really helped to hear Dr. Rhonda Patrick’s personal anecdote of using saunas (during stressful Med school) and then backed by real data. She discovered the benefits simply by feeling better, then did an incredible job uncovering scientific studies that validated her personal experience. I’ve used saunas in a similar fashion in particularly stressful periods of work.

  1. 2 Reddit Threads: Ppl’s Personal Experience & Book Recs for Anxiety

Reddit is an absolute beaut. It’s normal people having normal problems sharing normal solutions… ppl sharing what worked.

  1. Purpose and Direction

Much of our anxiety comes from no sense of purpose. We don’t have a goal or mission we’re on. We feel lost and feelings of worthlessness start to creep in – at least they do for me. It’s hard to find these ‘Projects of Worth’ but you have to start somewhere.

Book – Defining Decade: Why Your 20s Matter & How to Use Them Meg Jay
Book – 4000 Weeks: Time Management for Mortals by Oliver Burkeman

You have to choose some path. The alternative is you’re stuck in the middle of the ocean with no land in sight so you decide to just keep treading water.

  1. Pay-Attention-to-Attention Meditation 12 mins (to start)

I used to be scared meditating would hinder my creativity or empty my brain. I was worried I’d lose my edge. I didn’t. It’s merely a tool that allows us to have control over our mind not the other way around.

Treat the mind like a hand in a cold creek – let the things in the water come and pass. In specifically a stressful environment, specifically 12 mins/day has been shown to be beneficial. The yogis have been doing this shit for thousands of years, it’s just the West that’s different. See this podcast. This documentary (3rd & 4th episode). This book. And this book.

Headspace Meditation is how I started – not affiliated, just useful. 12 mins/day
Guide here. I describe my meditation practice and journey in the vid in #4.

  1. Animal-Mind Meditation 30 minutes minimum

I cannot express how transformational this habit has been. I never had time for meditation. I’m too busy and have too much going on… then a friend that happens to be a therapist told me I was just like every other anxious client she had that ‘didn’t have time’. She challenged me to 30 minutes/day for 30 days. I rarely miss a day now. It’s that impactful.

My Personal Experience ~ 12 mins

“Used to be inside a washing machine now I’m on the outside looking in”

Link: Wrestling My Mind

  1. Sleep 7.5 – 8 hours

Everyone says it all the time “Get good sleep”. Truly, sleep is the cornerstone of mental equilibrium. As a D1 athlete, I found it matters far more than nutrition, physical therapy, injury prevention, supplements, visualization and anything else I tried. It’s the bedrock upon which everything else is built. Without good sleep, the rest of these tactics are Band-Aids.

We aren’t always afforded the luxury of sleep, but without it we’re fighting ourselves before we even get to the battlefield. Whenever I’m unusually angsty, upset, or stressed out the first question I ask is whether or not I’ve slept well and worked out today. Less than 1% of 1% is capable of sleeping 6 hours and operating at 100%.

Khabib on Sleep ~ 1 min

3 podcasts for anxiety

The mind is whirlwind of chaos. We crave control. We just need a god damn break. This podcast, albeit a bit corporate and having annoying voices, offers a useful discussion and tools to combat anxiety, using meditation as an alternative to drugs and alcohol as Ms Wachter explains she used to use. I always think of Juice World’s beautiful music and am immediately saddened he died by overdose just trying to quell the mind. There are other ways.

Dr. Amishi Jha is a neuroscientist and was always skeptical about meditation. She doesn’t discuss statistics much but describes how research shows 12 mins makes all the difference. Attention like a flashlight and humans have the unique ability to throttle and control our attention pointing it at what we wish. I enjoy Dr. Brown’s interview style, her passion and energy is infectious. A useful description of mindfulness as a tool.

Caveat – Personally haven’t watched this one. I recommend because I have yet to listen to a podcast with Jordan Peterson that hasn’t provided value and made me think better.

1 book for anxiety (+1)

Peak Mind, Find Your Focus, Own Your Attention, Invest 12 Mins/Day ~9 hrs

I would have loved to have stumbled across this book in high school. I was stressed out of my god damn mind and wish I had read this book. Full disclosure, haven’t gotten around to reading this now that I’ve solved my stress problem other ways. It’s a resource that exists though and I know it can help more people with stress. Written by a meditation skeptic turned neuroscientist – She’s the real deal and not about this hippy dippy bs.

Breath: The New Science of a Lost Art by James Nestor ~ 7 hr audiobook

I wish I had read this book in high school. 3 years of research and I hadn’t found a solution to my sleep problem until I read this book (hint: mouth tape). This book is not specifically for anxiety, it just was fascinating to read and has a couple related gold nuggets. The author works with a lab at Stanford but writes the book as if telling a story weaving in history, anthropology, statistics, science, and personal experience. Nasal breathing, mouth tape, mastication, jaw line, free diving, yogis, superior beings, run times, history, anthropology. It’s got it all. I breath exclusively through my mouth now thanks to this book.

sadness/heartbreak/desperation

1) you’ll survive. you’ll survive. you’ll survive.
There’s no other way around except through.

Sometimes I’ve just got to remind myself of this. It’s just waves. With everything. Sometimes you’re on top, sometimes you’re getting you’re shit rocked. If you just keep moving forward, you’ll survive. The worst thing you can do is to stop. I realize now that grief runs through you. It just has to run its course. There’s no way around. Some day, it will be over, best thing I’ve been able to do is appreciate the emotion because it means I’m able to have it in the first place, and all will be well soon. Maybe days. Maybe weeks, months or years… but eventually it all passes.

Jordan Peterson was once asked “The depths of my consciousness cause me to suffer, is it a blessing or a curse to feel everything soo deeply?”

2) “The only way out is through you take more of the things that poisons you until you turn into a tonic that girdles the world around you”

Jordan Peterson

And this hits fucking hard. It use to upset me to ‘feel everything so deeply’. I partly played victim. I didn’t understand why what felt like the world collapsing was happening to me. I’ve since come to appreciate the depth of emotion. The sadness. The anger. The frustration. Every single negative emotion means I’m one step closer to experiencing a full human experience.

Experience the sadness. Don’t deny it. Embrace it in full, then keep moving forward.

3) Music

Music has been fuel for my life. Too much sad and angry music I’ve found can cause a downward spiral, but in doses it helps heal. Primarily, rap and hip hop, this has been incredibly moving music for me:

Just keep swimming. An upbeat sad, it’s a vibe.

You can’t go wrong with Zach Bryan’s soulful country

A vibey sadness. Thanks Post

Mom overdosed. Shit hits hard. This emotional rap hits surprisingly hard. He’s got lot of goodies.

Good ‘ole Cole, this story from his come up hits damn hard.

Album’s literally called “F*ck Love”. It was fantastic heartbreak material.

survival

5 min video – not just inspiration it’s a mindset

“You’ll get through this”

My dad (thanks dad)

For some reason, this offhand comment was surprisingly beneficial for me. It was so off the cuff, so unimportant, so expected. It wasn’t a belief or a maybe, it was a fact. “You’ll get through this”. It’s sort of like Dory’s “Just keep swimming”. You will go through. When that is believed through and through, you don’t question the outcome anymore… you just…. keep swimming.

“Complaining is only productive when channelled into change”

“Nothing changes if nothing changes”

Theo Von

40% Rule

David Goggins

“What you don’t know can and will hurt you”

hard times create strong men
Quote – G. Michael Hopf, Ifunny Image

You have to believe in the end of your story.
Get the girl. Make the business. Run the show. Believe in the end of your story.

Alex Hormozi – fight the dragons

Joe Rogan – Your life is a movie

Joe Rogan x Jocko Willinck – Good

Even if you’re at the limit. No, you’re not.

David Goggins

“When you truly follow obsession, flow state never ends”

Zach Progrob

That discontent comes from a mismatch between desires and external pressure – Being forced into something we hate, and not seeing the value in it. Once we stumble across things that are truly meaningful to us, we don’t have to worry about the outcome. The flow state becomes natural. This isn’t to say there aren’t bad days, but the number of bad days shouldn’t outweigh the good ones.

“There is no innovation and creativity without failure. Period.”

Brene Brown

‘The mind is like a washing machine. Before I meditated I was stuck on the inside getting tossed around and thrown about.

After I started meditating for sometime I was able to stand on the outside and see the craziness that was happening. It still happened, but it was as though I was merely an observer’

Some podcast I listened to during COVID (yeah, that COVID)

“Thoughts disentangle themselves when they pass through the lips and fingertips”

Dawson Trotman

I wish I had stumbled across the art of writing earlier. It would have helped me compartmentalize.

Failure & Embarrassment – A Reframe

“We don’t learn from experience, we learn from reflecting on that experience”

Unknown

I absolutely love this reframe. It turns every shitty situation into growth. Every mistake. Every fuck up. Every angry outburst and heartbreak and raw embarrassment… it all just makes us better. Easier said than done, and it still SUCKS to fail… but knowing it’s contributing to a more hardened, chiseled, and stronger version of self? Powerful schtuff.

Helpful to think that even the best fail sometimes. Drake. Ed Sheeran. Patton Oswalt. All of the best. They have to fail. Indoctrinate yourself against failure

“Failure sucks in the short term but compounds success in the long run”

Colin Douglas

I used to be terrified of failure. I hated it. I was terrified of doing poorly on the test or disappointing parents or not being the best (ironic because I was far from it). I was so scared of failure though that sometimes I wouldn’t even put myself in situations where I had the option to. I played it safe.

This reframe helped me look past my nose and not beat myself up so much. This tiny failure didn’t matter all that much. It just means I’m at a stepping stone to something greater.

“If you want to speed up the rate of learning, speed of the rate of failure”

Another reframe I enjoy. Ideally we learn from others’ mistakes before our own… but the earlier we come to embrace mistakes the earlier we get them out of the way.

uncertainty ~ it matters! it doesn’t.

“Every 100 years, all new people”

Anne Lamott
Base Jumping Utah

‘This here… none of this matters. All this right here that we’re looking at? None of it matters.

What matters is your health, your family, your friends, and what you care about’

Danny the base jumper, Utah

“I split problems into two groups: muddy puddles and leaky ceilings.

Many of the problems I dream up when I’m overthinking fall into this category. Is this as hard as I’m making it or do I just need to go workout? Drink some water. Go for a walk. Get some sleep. Go do something else and give the puddle time to turn clear.

Other problems are like a leaky ceiling. Ignore a small leak and it will always widen. Relationship tension that goes unaddressed. Overspending that becomes a habit. Are you dealing with a leak or a puddle?”

James Clear, Newsletter

self belief

lost.

‘The more time I spend with successful people, the more I realize nobody has it figured out. We’re all just trying to find our own way’

Tim Ferriss

“I mean, nobody out here’s got it figured out”

Childish Gambino, 3005

“Intuition is a very powerful thing—more powerful than intellect, in my opinion.”

Steve Jobs

Intuition, Gary Vee ~ 1 min.

“That feeling of worthlessness comes from not working on projects we find value in. It comes from aimlessness. It’s from not finding meaning in living.

That room you’re in, the people you’re with, the projects you’re working on… if they aren’t fulfilling, they aren’t what you’re designed for. Get out of there. Get the hell out of there. Find something that makes you feel valued and meaningful.


There’s a tiny creative voice in the back of your mind. Look for it. Find it and follow it. We’ve got to see where it takes us. I think our gut knows where we want to go, we just have to listen.”

Colin Douglas
Questions to Find Self

1) When you’re on your deathbed, what are the things you want to do, have, and be?

2) What does your perfect day look like? What are the habits that would make you have a perfect day every single day. What habits and hobbies make you happy?

3) Who are your idols? If you’re unsure of your values, look to your idols… what values do they have in common?

WHOLE PAGE dedicated towards finding yourself stuff here.

Advice from a Therapist

I had an NLP therapist friend tell me she believed we had 3 little people living inside us.
1) Animal Brain – Elephant. This is Jonathan Haidt’s ‘elephant’. It thrives on food, sleep, sex, and self-preservation
2) Prefrontal Cortex – Rider. This is Jonathan Haidt’s ‘rider’. It can use logic and thinks, but has a tough time forcing the elephant to do anything
3) Intuition – All Knowing. This seems to be the underrated voice. It’s the voice that saw the relationship red flags. It knew we’d be unhappy to major in Finance. The intuition or soul or whatever the hell it is, it always seems to know. But it’s the quietest voice and hardest to listen to. Powerful people have said it’s the most powerful voice though.

“If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours”

Henry David Thoreau, Walden

“The world doesn’t owe you anything”

My dad… thanks dad

Such a beautiful one to start with. It’s a harsh reality. This was beaten in to me as a kid. But holy smokes it is beneficial. When you stop expecting or even hoping for help from others to come, you are finally free to take your own life in to your own hands.

It’s not to say others won’t help, it’s just putting the responsibility on ourselves. If we want something in life, put the damn pants on and go get it damn it!

overwhelmed ~ reframing the challenge.
https://www.instagram.com/p/C8qXVRbRBYN

Being in your 20s, ie life

“All this bullshit just make me strong motherfucker”

Lil Wayne, Drop the World‘

Turns out, Weezy stumbled across some similar wisdom.
I LOVE this mentality – Taking every single thing that makes life shitty and just using it to our advantage. It’s so easy to get bogged down in how shitty life is and how bad of luck we have, but in my limited time on Earth the lower the lows I experience, the higher the highs.

All shitty experiences have offered some insight, support, or character building that I’ve been able to use later. As shitty as they are, I do my best to welcome the setbacks because I know I’ll learn from them.

“You have to build calluses on your brain just like how you build calluses on your hands. Callus your mind through pain and suffering.”

David Goggins

“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”

Kelly Clarkson (elite advice, i know)

If you quit now, you’ll end up right back where you first began.

And when you first began, you were desperate to be right where you are now. Keep going.

Unknown

I find myself thinking of this quote sometimes in the midst of a particularly brutal workout. Giving up puts you right back to the beginning. Might as well keep going. It’s easier that way.

David Goggins, Don’t Put People on a Pedestal

put here

/c

suffering is easier with a purpose.

‘Would you rather deal with the pain of grinding or the pain of sucking?’ (Bill Ramsey’s pain box)

Bill Ramsey on Alex Honnold podcast, climber, member of 5.14 after 60 club

Every time I’m going through something unbelievably painful or white-knuckle scary I ask myself – ‘How will this feel in 10 years?’

I started it when I was maybe 11 years old terrified to do gymnastics. The only way I could get through skills was by wondering if I’d still be scared when I’m 35 hahah.

By that time, the decision or suffering or experience will have been so far removed it won’t really matter any more. It puts the fear into perspective for me and makes it easier to think. I still sometimes use this when I’m terrified.

“If you’re not living on the edge you’re taking up too much space”

Stephen Hunt

‘I think the key to life is eliminating suffering for other people’

Joe Rogan

‘The happiest times in my life have come from when I was helping other people’

Dan Bilzerian
https://www.instagram.com/p/C8jxWO9hxwQ

burnout and redlining.
https://www.instagram.com/melrobbins/reel/CxNdzIXOBBS

Friggin love Mel Robbins

“Celebrate [your] small victories”

Seth K

I spent a long time disliking myself for not being ‘good enough’. Not in schools or sports or life. I felt perpetually behind. I discarded any ‘Win’ with a flippant “I should have already been there”. And then I was rolling Jiu Jitsu with my roommates and one of them told me to “Celebrate the small victories”. If you aren’t ever kind to yourself, why would yourself ever do what you want it to? (Weird description, I know)

“Always celebrating what I wanna see more of”

Russ, Song – Manifest

“Listening to my old songs, back when I would talk about,
Things that hadn’t happened yet, but now I get to talk about,
Just got back from South Beach Collins Ave, Shore Club,
Always celebrating what I want to see more of”

“You can keep beating yourself up over all the shit you didn’t do correctly – there’s an infinite list after all. But if you don’t take a moment throughout the day to ‘celebrate the small victories’, it’s like training a dog and only abusing it. If you never appreciate what it’s doing right, how will it learn?”

Me i guess


1 Minute

Double Inhale – Stress
combat unnecessary negative emotions.
Jealousy

“One day, I realized with all these people I was jealous of, I couldn’t just choose little aspects of their life. I couldn’t say I want his body, I want her money, I want his personality. You have to be that person. Do you want to actually be that person with all of their reactions, their desires, their family, their happiness level, their outlook on life, their self-image? If you’re not willing to do a wholesale, 24/7, 100 percent swap with who that person is, then there is no point in being jealous.

Once I came to that realization, jealousy faded away because I don’t want to be anybody else. I’m perfectly happy being me.”

Naval Ravikant, Jealousy
Imposter Syndrome

“Honesty is the antidote to imposter syndrome”

This one also hit. We get imposter syndrome when we’re pretending to be something we’re not. As soon as I’ve been honest with myself and others about my capabilities, the imposter syndrome – Fades. I say I can’t do what I can’t. It brings peace.

Source: Dan Koe?

5 Minutes

“It is just a thought”, Sadhguru

Attitude, Too much of a good thing, Self- belief, Joe Rogan

15 Minutes

Podcasts ~2 Hours

Books

1) Extreme Ownership by Jocko Willink

2) Can’t Hurt Me by David Goggins

Songs

Champion, Kanye

“To me, giving up is way harder than trying”

Exercises

  1. Write down all the things that make you feel good
    When you start to feel shitty, figure out if you’ve even done the things to take care of yourself. Here’s a some of mine:
    – Sleeping
    – Skateboarding
    – Talking to friends
    – Watching standup comedy
  2. Solution Oriented instead of ‘facts’
    – I’m always late (fact) -> How do I arrive on time? (solution)
    – We’re gonna miss the taxi (fact) -> How do we make the taxi? (solution)
    Every time I’m in a shitty situation and transition from “This sucks” to “How do I make this better” it at least gives you options. The skill gets easier over time.
  3. Sleep
    Without a minimum of 7 hours of sleep, decision making, emotional regulation, and confidence drop.
  4. Exercise mother f%@ker
    A 20 minute run each day should be minimum. If you don’t exercise, good luck sleeping. Night and day difference
  5. Wim Hof Method
Exercise

My Reflections

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