e) Relationships with Others

All Relationship Resources

My Creations

Concept

1 Why it’s a problem
4 most common regret among the dying all had to do with relationships:


2 No Education
So many people come from broken homes or watched their parents treat each other awfully. “Hurt people hurt people”. My goal is to show just how important it is to put effort in to our quality relationships and provide the resources to break the cycle of bad ones.

We might not need lessons on how to make friends, but we sure as shit could benefit from learning how to have difficult conversations.

3 Other Shit?
It’s being able to have a civil disagreement and still enjoy the relationship. Relationships are hardly all sunshine and rainbows, but without our ability to negotiate and figure out what each other wants/needs… all bets are off. Queue the yelling matches.

Romantic relationships are just as important as having friendships. I never fully understood the level of work it was to maintain friendships. It took me awhile to figure out how to pick up the phone and call someone.

The 3rd most common regret among old people, noted by Bronnie Ware was this:

Relationships detoriate because of expectation. As soon as we have a level of expectation in any relationship and those are not communicated, the only available result is resentment – Juli

If you don’t apply, none of this is useful.
“Information is only as useful as your ability to apply it”

From 75 years and 724 individuals… ‘the single greatest predictor for happiness is the quality of your relationships’

  • Friends
  • Romantic/Spouse
  • Kids
  • Strangers – empathy, FAD

  • why – if you don’t youll die alone
  • LISTEN – mirror/label
  • empathy – FAD
  • let them
  • arguments are good
  • boundaries

1 Minute Shorts/Quotes

All/General

“Your relationships will rarely be healthier than your self-esteem”

James Clear

‘Yeah, Grandpa John built cool shit and a lot of people admired him for his scientific breakthroughs…

but he also was not very nice to his family and ended up a pretty lonely old man. I think he got dementia and died earlier as a result’

My Cousin

4th Most Common Regret among the dying:
“I wish I had stayed in better touch with my friends”

Harvard Happiness Study over 85 years

Article here

The single greatest predictor for success is EQ

“The people who were the most satisfied in their relationships at age 50 were the healthiest at age 80”

Robert Waldinger

“They don’t have to be smooth all the time. Some of our octiginerian couples could bicker with each other day in and day out,

but as long as they felt that they could reallly count on one another when the going got tough… those arguments didn’t take a toll on their memory”

Robert Waldinger

Number one reason ppl leave their job is their boss

“If you want to keep in touch with someone……
you will”

Madi M

“If you don’t reach out first, who will?”

Colin Douglas

Let Them, Mel Robbins, 1 Minute

Arguments are good, Jordan Peterson, 1 min

‘Each person has to give 60% for a successful relationship’

Source: Unknown (Brene Brown?)

“You can let that shit stick to you or you can be like a duck in a swamp and just let that shit roll right off”

David Berry

“Giving with expectation of return leads only to resentment”


Nobody owes you anything.

Juli, Therapist

Boundaries

Marriage is Never 50/50 Brene Brown

Romantic

36 Questions to Fall in Love

5 Questions to Ask Yourself About Your Partner, a Reddit Thread, read by Chris Williamson. 1 min.

Kids after 35 okay? Adam Ruins Everything. 5 mins

5 Money Questions to Ask Your Partner by Two Cents. 5 mins

‘You have to have a little fantasy you’re aiming for. How will your significant other treat you when you come home?

How will you treat them? What will your life look like? What will dinners look like?’

Jordan Peterson paraphrase

Got to have something we’re aiming for or we’ll just stumble into whatever we stumble into.

“If you don’t tell people how you feel, how the fuck would they know”

Rex Yee

This one hit harder than a verbal backhand. Historically, I’ve found it difficult to tell people how I feel. Emotions have been… let’s just say difficult.

Not feeling them, I feel them incredibly immensely, but expressing how I feel has never quite come naturally. Sarcasm and backhand compliments seemed to be my main approach.

But this also caused problems in my personal relationships and I had to figure out a better way. My buddy Rex hit me with this brick wall: “If you don’t tell people how you feel, how the fuck would they know”

“Praise in public, criticize in private”

Source: Unknown

CONCEPT: Who are the people you can be 100% unfiltered around?

A bit of self-awareness – being an asshole, Louis CK

“You have to choose your battles.

If you fight every single time, people stop listening. But if you agree more than you don’t, people will actually listen when you pull them aside and say ‘this is important to me’

Madi M

“Oftentimes being right isn’t as important as getting along”

Source: Unknown

I used to die on every single hill. Every little disagreement, I felt it was my sole duty to rectify the injustice of someone misspeaking.

Person A: “I think I’m going to head out for lunch. Anyone want anything from the deli?”

Person B: “Actually, it’s not technically lunchtime yet. Lunch is defined as the meal you have between 12:00 PM and 2:00 PM. It’s currently 11:57 AM, so you’re still technically having a late breakfast.”

I was a Nazi. Me and my equally stubborn roommate would get in yelling matches over the simplest stuff. It took me time to figure out that most of the time it didn’t even matter if I was right. Over time I’ve realized that was an insecurity more than anything and I didn’t have to be right. Most things can just roll off the top – they don’t matter.

“Connection before correction”

Some blonde girl I met… Tara?

“Attack the problem not the person”

Source: Unknown

“Marriage is like a rope, 2 strands weaving together, growing and improving together”

Banksy artwork: Be someone that makes you happy
Banksy the artist

‘You ought to spend some amount of time arguing with your significant other’

Arguments are necessary, Jordan Peterson, 1 minute

@mensmentalversity How much time do you spend arguing with a loved one? #jordanpeterson #mentalhealth #marriage #tips #quotes #life #relationships ♬ Ambient-style emotional piano – MoppySound

“You don’t like anyone you spend a month and a half fighting with”

Jordan Peterson

Lower Your Expectations, Bo Burnham

“But we all deserve love, even on the days when we aren’t our best

‘Cause we all suck, but love can make us suck less
We all deserve love, it’s the very best part of being alive”

Friends

Know Your True Friends, Jordan Peterson

“You can tell them bad news.

You can tell them good news and they’ll help you celebrate”

  1. Stop Breaking Up With Your Friends – The Atlantic
    https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2023/06/stop-breaking-up-with-friends/674540/
Parenting/In Charge of a Team

‘Leading a team is surprisingly similar to raising children’

Steven Miller, 39

“If you raise your children, you spoil your grandkids. If you spoil your children, you raise your grandkids”

A Reddit Thread

hard times create strong men
Quote – G. Michael Hopf, Ifunny Image

Dangerous Things Carefully

Socializing children

5 Mins – Articles/Videos

Happiness and Marriage, Jordan Peterson, 5 minutes

Real Friends, Aristotle

Books

1) Never Split the Difference by Chris Voss

I cannot express how valuable this book was in developing better relationships and negotiating with people on a regular basis. I use labeling and mirror from this book nearly daily. It has increased my quality of relationships and ability to get what I want… which we find out is really what we both want.

I find music to be an incredible insight into another humans’ experiences and life. Rap particularly I have been drawn to because of how raw the artists’ experiences are. Listening to the lyrics and truly trying to understand has brought be a surprising amount of empathy.

All great music does this in my opinion. Here are some that hit particularly hard.

Social Proof in Songs

You’re Gonna Miss This, Trace Adkins

The Art of Peer Pressure, Kendrick Lamar

Kendrick’s stories are particularly impactful. This is one of him getting roped into a robbery.

Love Yourz, J. Cole

Perhaps my favorite song by J. Cole.

“Always gon’ be a bigger house somewhere, but nigga, feel me
Long as the people in that motherfucker love you dearly

Always gon’ be a whip that’s better than the one you got
Always gon’ be some clothes that’s fresher than the ones you rock
Always gon’ be a bitch that’s badder out there on the tours

But you ain’t never gon’ be happy ’til you love yours”

Lower Your Expectations, Bo Burnham

The emotional turmoil of an abortion

Macklemore grapples with drug addiction

I’ve found J. Cole’s stories to also be particularly powerful. In this song he walks through the struggle to understand and improve his own life.

This list could go on and on. There are tons of incredibly impactful music and art out there, these are just a couple that come to mind. The key is to do our best to truly empathize and realize these are real people with real problems.

These are lives that could be incredibly different from ours, and yet we’re all human. To judge is to judge where someone comes from, and sometimes we don’t have control over that. Instead, I find it far more valuable to understand what would have to be true for people to act a certain way.

We’re all doing the best with what we have.

My Reflections

Weekly Wanderings

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Each week I send 4 Ideas that make my life happier and more enjoyable