17-Oct-2022 | Mon 16:03
Location – Home in Biloxi, MS

Advice From an African Man that Changed My Life

A few years ago I met an African man in Colorado. He spoke French, Fulfude, Hausa, and just a touch of English. He’d studied English for 6 months inside of a classroom and then flew 6630 miles to the United States for university. We lived in the dorm rooms next to each other and this dude was one of the goofiest I’ve met in my whole life.

Think: 

• Live chickens milling about the dorms
• Powdered sugar on Frosted Flakes “because it just wasn’t sweet enough”
• Bear claw slippers and bright red bathrobe a military institution 

Feigning the inability to speak English, in order to swindle the system was a regular occurrence despite full fluency. Likeable, confident, socially aware, wheeler-dealer, and ruthless prankster, this guy was brilliant. This incredibly generous individual guarded himself behind the shield of scathing humor, and is the hardest working-lazy man I’ve met. 

He’d do anything for a friend at a moment’s notice, waking up at 2 AM to drive 3+ hours to the airport, but wouldn’t bat an eye if that same friend was in tears. He lives to prove a point and wants it to sting so bad that you remember it. He’ll teach you to be a better person and doesn’t care that you had to go through hell to learn the lesson. 

Hanging out with him you think on your toes and it took every bit of wit, decisiveness, confidence, and moral character to win an argument.

Tough love and exceedingly high character standards are the baseline. He embodies judge, jury, and executioner. Every conversation felt like an interview with a Drill Sergeant. Tough but fair. He put up with zero bullshit and respects you if you didn’t put up with his. What he says goes unless you could come up with a Supreme Court level legal argument to back your decision.

“So, Who’s Bringing the Tea?”

In perhaps the first 6 months I knew this man (we’ll call him Adamou) his English improved dramatically and I remember talking to this man in rooms of books until 2 AM. We were just shooting the shit and learning about each others’ very different lives.

One of the most valuable questions he asked me, 4 full years ago, that is still sticks in my mind clear as day: Who’s bringing the tea?

I had told him I wanted to travel the world, meet different people, and experience different cultures. I told him I dreaded the 9–5 job and I didn’t want to settle down. He responded with such assuredness that it almost scared me. “You will settle down. You will work a 9–5. That is Western culture. Don’t think any different. You graduate, get a job, and get married. You will have kids, get a dog, forget your friends, and stay home on the weekends. It’s all the same. It’s all the same. That’s how you are. It’s all the same”.

Over the years his words still continue to shake me to my core. 

“It’s all the same”

He said it like it was a done deal, as if it was a prophecy and he could see in to the lives of every American right in front of him. No negotiation. No room for error. Just a melancholy sigh:

“It’s all the same”

Woah. It’s ambiguous nature somehow just seemed to make sense.

A few months earlier this man was using broken sign language to ask me where the bathroom was, and now he was predicting lives of myself and everyone I know. I thought about the average American, and understood that he wasn’t too far from the truth. 

Inherently, I sorta already understood what his point was, but once the picture was explicitly painted in front of me — it terrifyed me. I told him that there was no way I’d be lulled into mediocrity, perhaps others, but that reality scared me too much. He countered plainly:

“No, that’s just what you Americans do”

My mouth went dry. The strict, unemotional, explicit nature Yassim used to paint the picture made my soul shrivel up like a raisin. For some people, this white picket fence was the American Dream. 

It scared the shit out of me.

The average person lived a segmented life, dwindling away in some nonexistent neighborhood. We worked until we died and didn’t have a great sense of community. Everyone is so individualistic. We’re out for ourselves. We want to best for ourselves, but as we age, friends seem to drift away and relationships seem to dwindle.

I thought of my parents and how they were living an echo of Adamou’s exact words. Isolated. Unhappy with work. Seemingly unfulfilled. On edge. Rarely seeing their friends. I didn’t even know whom their friends were. They had delayed their dreams and settled in to the equilibrium of complacency.

At least that’s how I saw it.

It terrified me. 

Couldn’t Be Me but How?

Where’s the spice of life? Where’s the excitement? Personally I realized that I need that unpredictability, it’s what makes life exciting. In the words of rapper Lil Wayne “What’s a world without enigma?”. Perhaps it’s why travel has such an allure. The unpredictability, the variety — that’s where memories are made and stories take place.

So if the entirety of Western culture’s lives were already mapped, how was the path of this man from Niger (nee-zhair) any different? How was it so much better that he could cast such distinct judgments?

After his casting of my culture, I was burning with questions. I had so many. I needed to know.

What’s the difference??

The big difference, he explained, was that life in Northern Africa was much different. Perspective was fundamentally different. The majority of people were not concerned with ‘getting a good job’ or even ‘buying a house’. Whether we like it or not, as long as I have lived, that has always seemed to be the philosophy in the back burner of our minds.

Subconsciously, we’re trying to one-up each other, constantly seeming to seek the external validation. Don’t get me wrong, the competition is still there, but the way my buddy Yassim described life in Niger went as follows:
The average person is significantly poorer in the part of Niger where he grew up. Most people were just scraping by. There was no AC. Wifi was incredibly limited. Old beat-up Toyota Corollas that didn’t have a check engine light were considered luxurious. Credit cards were out of the question and fancy shoes weren’t even considered.

Even after several years of knowing Yassim, it’s difficult to paint the full picture of what his life was like growing up. The biggest hitter, though, was this:
Because people were so indifferent to the cars, the house, and the shoes, the primary focus wasn’t on material goods. Instead it was the idea that people spent more time and energy on the people they were around. A ‘party’ was the whole neighborhood pooling money together to have a massive barbeque and drinks. Ramadan was really an opportunity to test yourself and at the end of the day have a mini celebration with people you cared about, eating a nice meal.

People in Niger were too poor to compete materially, so they shifted their focus to good times, good people, and good memories. Apparently, the best things in life are free.

The clearest concept Yassim explained this idea of enjoyment to me was ‘tea and lawn chairs’. Shopping, arcades, and bars were too expensive (and not very prevalent) so instead, an enjoyable afternoon was ‘tea and lawn chairs’. One person would pitch in to go buy tea (yea, like green tea) and everyone would set up chairs around the porch on the dirt and simply sip tea, hang out, and shoot the shit. Pretty simple. Nothing crazy. Just enjoy the company of others. Talk about life, riff with each other, sip some tea — Just enjoy life.

It wasn’t that their lives were ‘better’, they were just focused on enjoying life differently. They’re less concerned with status and material goods, and more so with people. They had to. There’s no other option.

What’s the cost of a good time? It is just a reminder that we don’t always need a crazy week in the Bahamas or even a weekend ski trip. Maybe all we need is an excuse to hang out. Sometimes a box of 24 Liptons seems to be enough.

So,
Who’s bringing the tea?

“Who’s bringing the tea?”

In perhaps the first 6 months I knew this man, Yassim, his English improved dramatically and I remember talking to this man in rooms of bookshelves until 2 AM just shooting the shit and learning about each other.

One thing he told me, 4 full years ago, that is still stuck in my mind is the idea: Who’s bringing the tea?

I had told him I wanted to travel the world, meet different people, and learn about different cultures. I told him I dreaded the 9-5 job and I didn’t want to settle down. He responded with such assuredness that it almost scared me. “You will settle down. You will work a 9-5. Don’t think any different. That’s just Western culture. You graduate, get a job, and get married. You will have kids, get a dog, forget your friends, and stay home on the weekends. It’s all the same. That’s just how you are”.

Woah. A few months earlier this man was hand signaling to me to ask where the bathroom was, and now he was predicting the future of myself and my friends – Perhaps not too far from the truth, I might add.

Inherently, I sorta already understood what his point was, but once the picture was explicitly painted in front of me – it scared me even more. I told him there was no way what he said would be me. Perhaps others, but that reality scared me too much. He pointed out that “No, that’s just what you Americans do”.

The strict, dry, explicit nature with which Yassim painted this picture made my soul shrivel up like a raisin. For some people, it’s the dream. For me – It scared the sh#t outta me.

Terrifying. Where’s the spice of life? Where’s the excitement? I need that unpredictability, it’s exciting. In the words of rapper Lil Wayne “What’s a world without enigma?”. Perhaps it’s why travel has such an allure. The unpredictability, the variety – that’s where memories are made and stories take place.

So if the entirety of Western culture’s lives were already mapped on a singular path, how was the path of this man from Niger (nee-zhair, NY-jer) any different? How was it so much better that he could cast such distinct judgments?

The big difference, he explained, was that life in Northern Africa was much different. Perspective was fundamentally different. The majority of people were not concerned with ‘getting a good job’ or even ‘buying a house’. Whether we like it or not, as long as I have lived, that has always seemed to be the philosophy in the back burner of our minds.

Subconsciously, we’re trying to one-up each other, constantly seeming to seek the external validation. Don’t get me wrong, the competition is still there, but the way my buddy Yassim described life in Niger went as follows:
The average person is significantly poorer in the part of Niger where he grew up. Most people were just scraping by. There was no AC. Wifi was incredibly limited. Old beat-up Toyota Corollas that didn’t have a check engine light were considered luxurious. Credit cards were out of the question and fancy shoes weren’t even considered.

Even after several years of knowing Yassim, it’s difficult to paint the full picture of what his life was like growing up. The biggest hitter, though, was this:
Because people were so indifferent to the cars, the house, and the shoes, the primary focus wasn’t on material goods. Instead it was the idea that people spent more time and energy on the people they were around. A ‘party’ was the whole neighborhood pooling money together to have a massive barbeque and drinks. Ramadan was really an opportunity to test yourself and at the end of the day have a mini celebration with people you cared about, eating a nice meal.

People in Niger were too poor to compete materially, so they shifted their focus to good times, good people, and good memories. Apparently, the best things in life are free.

The clearest concept Yassim explained this idea of enjoyment to me was ‘tea and lawn chairs’. Shopping, arcades, and bars were too expensive (and not very prevalent) so instead, an enjoyable afternoon was ‘tea and lawn chairs’. One person would pitch in to go buy tea (yea, like green tea) and everyone would set up chairs around the porch on the dirt and simply sip tea, hang out, and shoot the shit. Pretty simple. Nothing crazy. Just enjoy the company of others. Talk about life, riff with each other, sip some tea – Just enjoy life.

It wasn’t that their lives were ‘better’, they were just focused on enjoying life differently. They’re less concerned with status and material goods, and more so with people. They had to. There’s no other option.

What’s the cost of a good time? It is just a reminder that we don’t always need a crazy week in the Bahamas or even a weekend ski trip. Maybe all we need is an excuse to hang out. Sometimes a box of 24 Liptons seems to be enough.

So,
Who’s bringing the tea?