First Written: 22-Mar-2023 | Wed

A post by the undisputable Jiu Jitsu athlete Gordon Ryan

You are a different version of yourself every day.
You are a different version of yourself in every interaction.
You are a different version of yourself with every person.
You are a lie.


I mildly discussed this idea in an earlier Newsletter but felt the thought deserved some more attention.

Lines of Logic – Every single person on the planet has a different picture of you in their mind. Every single person views you in a slightly different lens.

We act slightly different around different people that we interact with.

As humans we have an overwhelming desire to fit in to a group and often this consumes our desire to stay true to ourselves. We’re not changing who we are in any fundamental capacity, but we allow ourselves to embellish certain traits and shadow others to fit in to the crowd.

All of our characteristics are like a bunch of magnets being attracted to certain characteristics of other people, which in turn offer their own bundle of magnets. Others’ personality traits bring out certain traits in us, causing either an attraction or repulsion, ultimately shifting the position of the overall magnetic bundle ever so slightly.

Every person has their own magnetic pull for every characteristic. Every time we interact with someone else, we’re pulled slightly in (or away from) their direction. They also get pulled slightly towards our direction.

Nobody has the exact same magnetic makeup, so it’s safe to say that every single person we interact with shifts us in a slightly different direction. The stronger a relationship with a friend or family member we are, the greater the magnetic pull.


All this pushing and pulling and magnetizing plus our inherent nature come together to form our values and personality. It determines how we act on a daily basis.


New magnet? No personality trait. Nope didn’t like that one? Different effect on our actions.

OK, Analogy Done

So if this wack theory makes sense, we’re constantly being pulled in every which direction ultimately explaining the adage “You are the average of your 5 closest friends!”


(I am offering that we are technically the average of everyone we have ever interacted with, proportional to the strength of their magnetic pull on us. The longer and stronger a relationship, the stronger their magnetic pull. A stranger can still have a substantial effect if we allow their traits to have a stronger influence. This is how role models and mentors can have such a strong effect)

When we get pulled in a new direction, that someone sees us in the specific magnetic configuration of that moment. That configuration will change over time, but each person will still only know us from that last time they interacted with us. They will either be attracted or repelled by your configuration.


This is why everyone’s view of us is so different. They only get a small snippet of your configuration depending on how their configuration is affected.

Looping Back

So if all of this is even remotely close to making sense, what about our True Configuration?

Yo This Is Way Too Theoretical, My Man

Personally, I feel that if I acted as my authentic self I’d certainly alienate certain people in my life. These people I still care about. These people I still want in my life… just in smaller doses.


They affect my magnetic configuration in ways that I do not like. There are certain pieces of them that I choose to take away and let affect me, but I have to protect my own philosophies and actions and not allow them to be repelled and swayed by a person whom I don’t admire.

In small doses, I choose to hide some of my personality traits from certain individuals in my life. This is true for family members, friends, coworkers, etc.

Is this the right choice?
To be honest, I’m not sure.


That is up to you. How much of yourself are you comfortable with changing? How much of yourself are you comfortable with losing? I choose to error on the side of authenticity. Does that also make me enemies? Sometimes. Does it also strenthens the relationships that truly matter? Absolutely



Especially with family, a constant disagreement on “your fundamental beliefs” is not necessary. I value the relationship too much. It comes down to how much you value a relationship vs how much you value being yourself.


Living in the extreme I’d be obligated to tell everyone that the new car they bought is dog shit (ha!).

It doesn’t make too much sense to tell people you meet that you despise the political scene or are insecure about the way your nose looks. And yet those pieces of you are integral to creating a truly meaningful relationship.


People you truly value need to know those things. The good, the bad, and epecially the ugly – Vulnerability, it’s what makes a great relationship.

Wrapping Up

There’s certainly a fine balance between staying true to ourselves while also maintaining a cordial relationship.

I’m not suggesting we sacrifice oursel, our morales, or our core principals in any capacity (quite the opposite actually).

But I do recognize that there is a fine balance between staying true to yourself and highlighting certain characteristics to build relationships.

It’s a constant competition between acting as your authentic self while still allowing room for the people in your life.


Authenticity vs knowing your audience. It’s an interesting conundrum and spectrum.

The choice is up to you for where you stand.



I do know, though, that your truest, most valued relationships deserve your unfiltered, unadulterated, offensive authentic self.

When you care about someone, be yourself.