First Written: 17-Jan-2023 | Tuesday Afternoon

Part 1 Here

Enduring the situation with my sister showed me that something needed to change. The conversation with my
cousin illuminated the path, but it was going to be a long painful road toward having better relationships. I was tired of keeping people at arm’s length. I was tired of not being able to tell people what the hell I was thinking. I was tired of feeling alone.

Part 1 was left open-ended. Intentionally. That’s how it was as I left for college. It felt like something was left unsettled. That’s the sort of No-Mans-Land I wallowed in for years. Part 2, this one, is what the heck I actually learned from my mistakes. I figured out how, if only just a little, to open up to people.

Let’s start with the end goal. What is it? Why does it matter if we’re vulnerable? Idk about you, but I’m looking for a bit of happiness in this life. And relationships? Pretty solid start. Blue Zone research (people who live long as hell) says the same thing.

So. Allow me to walk you through the bumpy status of my current relationships and maybe I can share some of the things I learned. It’s still a work in progress.

This is the journey.

It Got Worse Before It Got Better

Believe it or not, I managed to taint another relationship before turning things around. I didn’t ruin it per se, but the waters were muddied. It was junior year of college and I had been dating this girl from Colorado.

I was an asshole. No, not like an asshole, asshole. More like a flippant ‘does this guy even care about me’ asshole. History was starting to repeat itself. Sarcasm and humor were the defaults. Deference and deflections were easier than telling people how I felt. For 3-4 months I dated this girl and can count on 1 hand how many compliments I gave her.

It was 0.

As I mentioned, Words of Affirmation? Not really my specialty. But people need it. People need to feel appreciated and sometimes you need words to do that. In the last 6 months, I’ve also had the fortune to be on the receiving end of never getting affirmation. It was eye-opening. But it sucks.

At the time I was dating the girl from Colorado, I was so shelled up, so off in my own world that I didn’t really think about how it must’ve felt to be her. I didn’t consider it a problem. I didn’t think I needed to tell people how I felt.

It had been 3 years since I left for college, and 2 years since my cousin explained the value of telling people how you feel (Part 1 here). I understood the effect that invulnerability had had on my relationship with my sister, but for whatever reason, I didn’t quite know how to turn the ship around. I didn’t know where to start and I couldn’t even compliment my girlfriend.

It wasn’t until my good buddy Rex slapped me with a verbal backhand and told me the same exact thing my cousin Miles had 2 years earlier:

                            If you don't tell people how you feel, how the fuck would they know?

It made sense. I’m on board. Yup. Be vulnerable. Got it. Logically I understood the idea. But to put it into practice? No no no no nooo. ‘There’s gotta be a different way!’

Rex told me to start small and just compliment the way my girlfriend looked at me. Great, I’ll start there.

Easy, right?

I froze. I couldn’t do it.

Dude, what the heck is wrong with me? I care about this girl. I like her!

Every time I went to open my mouth to say something nice it felt like the wind got sucked out of me. I knew what I wanted to say, but there was an invisible wall separating me and the compliment I wanted to give. It felt like I was running through water, in slow motion, vision blurred. Everything stood still while I tried to compliment her.

So I cracked jokes. It was easier. Downplay and redirect. That’s the secret. You don’t have to be vulnerable if you can make ’em laugh right? Humor’s the age-old defense mechanism. Lying to ourselves if we say otherwise.

I couldn’t even compliment my girlfriend? Ok, yeah, that was an issue.

So where the hell do you start?

Baby Steps

Fast forward another 2 years. I’m still not quite to the level where I’ll be genuinely vulnerable with my sister. No, no, that’s a little ways off. But I have gotten better at telling people how I feel. Relevant: Last week I complimented a total stranger on her Scottish accent.

The predicaments with my sister and girlfriend helped me understand the gravity of the situation. It helped me understand just how goddamn important it is to tell our friends and family how we feel. It helped me understand how hurt and alienated people can feel if we don’t tell them.

But you can’t just jump straight into being vulnerable with people. No, no. That was wayyy too difficult. (Props if you can) I had to start small.

I’m Gonna Give that Compliment, Damn it!

Ok so people close to me? No bueno. Sister? Nope. Girlfriend? Nada. I needed to start small. Baby steps people. Baby steps.

So where’d I go? Strangers. It was time to look for stranger danger. The fear was what I needed to overcome. I needed some spook in my life and then I needed to go through the spookiness. I was looking to give a compliment and I needed to start with somebody to whom I had zero emotional attachment. Zero attachment means zero barriers, right? I needed to know there’d be no negative consequences (you know, because of all the evil-negative-consequences that result from giving compliments?)

The first intentional compliment that I ever gave is seared into my brain and was from years ago. I didn’t compliment people. Pats on the back just weren’t something I gave. You didn’t come to me if you wanted to be comforted. No, I was the sarcastic one. But this was causing rifts in my relationships and it was a skill I needed to learn.

This wasn’t the first compliment ever, but it would be the 1st one I ever gave with the deeper intention of telling people how I felt. It represented something more. It marked a change in trajectory. It signified new beginnings. A shift in who I would be. It was so goddamn difficult.

Picture this: Middle of the Nevada desert. Cold. Dark out. Snow on the ground. Lost and looking for some hot springs. We drove past some people in campers who happened to be French if I remember correctly. From the backseat of a Subaru Crosstrek I yelled:

"Hey I like your dog!"

Let’s go! Hell yeah, man! The deed is done. I’m 90% sure they didn’t even hear me. They certainly didn’t respond. But guess what? Victory.

Seemingly so simple. So insignificant. So plain. But it meant more than that. It was a victory for me. It was me setting out to make people feel good, with the intention of making people feel good. Face to face. With words. A simple compliment.

It was a start.

It even took the nudging of one of my good buddies, Rex, but I was able to get it out. He encouraged me to keep giving compliments. From then on, I started looking for excuses to give people compliments. A new me was blossoming. It was a new era.

You got nice shoes? Dude, you’re gonna know. I like your hairdo? Walk on by, you’re about to get a compliment. You got a cute face? Come on up sugar, because I’m about to make your day.

Dude, I am dishing out compliments left and right baby. Sometimes they’re awkward, but sometimes? Oh man, sometimes they hit just right. They feel good too. Just telling people how you feel. You’re more open. It isn’t easy, but it feels good. The best part?

They feel good too.

Reverse the Roles

Rex is the master of compliments. People just feel good when they’re around him. They feel appreciated. They feel like he cares.

Rex described it like this:
“Wouldn’t you like to get a compliment?”
“Wouldn’t you like to be appreciated for who you are”
“Wouldn’t it feel good if someone told you they liked something about you?”

Damn. He was right.

I’d love to feel good! A nice compliment? Yes, please. Nice hair? Nice personality? Nice jokes? Ohh baby, keep ’em coming!

But why wait for the compliments to come to you? Hell nah, I’m going to go out of my way to give other people compliments. Share before asking. Spread the warmth before expecting it. Matter of fact, don’t even expect it at all!

I had to start by complimenting strangers, someone with 0 risks involved. It was still spooky. But it was easier. Now it’s way easier. It takes practice. Just like anything. But the more compliments I give, and the more people I tell I like how to do [fill in the blank], the more it happens, and then better everyone feels. It’s a win-win. The book How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie talks about the same stuff.

The Big Caveat

I will be honest though. Complimenting friends? Wayyy harder than complimenting strangers. I’m not totally sure what it is, but through some jacked-up logic, friends and family are so much harder to be serious and vulnerable with.

So I started on the farthest rung out from me – strangers. Ever so slowly I’ve been working my way in, complimenting people closer and closer to me.

I’ve started to tell more and more people in my life how I feel about them. I’ve messaged older friends just to tell them that I thought they were hilarious. I’ve called friends from high school just to let them know the impact they had on me. I’m about to contact an old coach this weekend. Anyone who genuinely made my life more enjoyable or otherwise better deserves the recognition.

Wouldn’t you want to know if you made someone’s life better? Start by letting other people know first. You start the cycle. Lots of times you’ll never hear anything back. It might feel like people don’t care. Hell, sometimes they won’t. But that’s not the point. It’s for you as much as it is for them. Just keep on dishing that positivity. You’ll feel wayyy better too.

Link: Gratitude Visit (this is the end goal and I legitimately shed a tear after this 6-minute)

It Ain’t Easy Though

Awkward doesn’t even begin to describe the feelings the first few times. It’s so weird.

Build up. If it’s awkward, that’s a good thing because it means you’re challenging yourself! If it’s awkward it really doesn’t matter because guess what, that’s why you’re starting with strangers! If you enjoyed the meal you ate last night, compliment the chef. A fast oil change? Tell ’em. A good TV show recommendation? Let them know.

I’ve started to be more open and forthright with people in my life. I tell my friends that they mean a lot to me (sometimes). I’ve called up old teammates just to tell them how much of an impact they’ve had. I have e-mailed old teachers telling them what impact they caused. I’ve talked to friends and explained just how much they mean to me. It all feels a bit ooey-gooey and is highly uncomfortable. Hell, every time I do it, it freaking sucks. But each time it gets a little bit easier, and every time afterward I feel amazing.

Strangers!!

Eventually, I’ll work up the courage to tell my sister, but for now, hey, we’ve all got to start somewhere, right?

I wish I started telling people how I felt years ago. It’s a skill, just like anything else.

Who wouldn’t want to feel loved? Wouldn’t you want to? So tell people that you love them.

Pay it forward you stingy son of a gun.

Compliment a stranger today.

It’ll change your life.

Good Books I Pooled From:
Happiness Hypothesis by social psychologist Jonathan Haidt
How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie

Edit: A breakdown of the actual [[My Cousin Called Me and I Thought I Was Going to Cry|conversation I had with my cousin]]