First Written: 25-Oct-2022 | Tue 09:43

What’s going on in your brain right now?
– Most people

We’re On Different Planets

I feel like we all live a totally different world inside of our own heads from what everyone else sees. It’s like totally separate universes that all converge into one timeline that we call our present reality. Everyone else is merely an actor in our own story, just as we’re only an actor in theirs…

Life’s a Videogame

It’s like we’re all playing a bunch of minigames and when we exit the games (from our brain into reality), we enter the lobby of life and see a bunch of players milling about.

Today I had an instructor talk to our class for just over 3 hours. I was sitting 6 feet from the guy and am pretty sure I teleported into a Mario 64 painting. Daydreaming would be an understatement.

You figure that there are 2 main ways with which we can interact in this common ground (of present reality) – 2 ways we can bridge the gap from our internal chaos to another person’s internal chaos. The bridge?

1) Our words
2) Our actions

Woah there Colin, let’s cool it. Our words and our actions are how we communicate with people? That’s incredible.

I know right?

But words and actions give a limited spectrum of what actually goes on under the surface. They give a very meager insight into how someone actually thinks and feels.

Bare With Me

One step below words, before words are even words, are just abstract notions in our brain that can’t really be communicated. They’re not even complete thoughts yet. They’re incomplete pathways. Neurons that are trying to fire, but can’t quite seem to be able to.

Ever had some idea in your head but can’t quite articulate it? In the words of the controversial Elon Musk, “Your brain is trying to compress some complex concept into words. There’s a lot of data loss”. Whether you like the guy or not, you’ve got to admit he’s a weird dude. He makes some good points though.

The whole idea is that during communication there’s a lot lost in translation.

We’re forced to compress what we think or feel into a small delivery package. Its effectiveness is limited by the way we express ourselves – Usually language. This, however, is part of the reason why I love the creative arts so much – they have the ability to express additional nuances that words might not. Painting, ballets, clothing, music. They all offer subtleties that straightforward language might not.

Me, Myself, and I

Sometimes I get immensely frustrated by my inability to convey some idea. It exists fully in my brain, but when I try to articulate what I’m thinking or feeling, it always seems to come up short.

Elon Musk does a great job articulating this idea during a conversation with Joe Rogan.
(Minute 11-12:55)

The Idea

We have no real way of truly understanding what another person is thinking. We get a small portion of their sentiments and ideas conveyed directly through the words they say. But sometimes you don’t really know… especially if they don’t tell you. This hopefully helps explain how so very important body language is: It articulates additional layers that our words might not be able to.

The Meat

This whole idea piqued my interest because of a kerfuffle with my roommate. It struck me last week because my roommate Seth, a hardened & resolute individual, gives absolutely 0 insight into his train of thought. He is brilliant, one of the smartest people I know, but articulates precisely 3% of his thoughts and feelings. The way our schedules work out we spend a lot of time together… But for the first month of rooming with this man, I got 0 reads on him.

Just Go Party

For about a month I was under the impression that Seth disliked me and that I irritated him. A few weeks later, our friend group took a trip to Nashville, TN where we all got drunk and he ended up pouring his heart out. For the first time in over 30 days of living with Seth, he expressed that he actually really liked our time together and valued me as a person.

ZERO idea. I had literally zero idea.

This is news to me, Seth. Would have been nice to know, dog. I’ve been tripping for the whole past month.

Logically, we understand that it’s important to be vulnerable, but it wasn’t until my interactions with Seth that I really understood the ramifications of closing yourself off. If we hadn’t gotten drunk together, I might’ve been on edge with this guy for the full 6 months we’re living together.

Stranger Danger

If a stranger came up to you and just stared at you, you’d have absolutely no clue what he wanted. He may have the concept of how to solve world hunger right there in his noggin, but with no articulation of his ideas you might assume he’s instead homeless and just needs a quick smoke. Ya know?

You might be able to infer desires based on body language, but you would have no way of truly understanding if he wanted something, was intrigued, hated you, was interested, or even didn’t care at all.

Miscommunication

I felt similar friction this past summer when I spent 2 weeks with a German man and his Russian family on his farm in Estonia.

A mouthful, I know.

Anyways, this German farmer dude gave me 0 feedback… 0 things I was doing well, 0 things I was doing wrong, just simply 0. It was just ‘lets’ do this and ‘can you do this’. Despite his generous hospitality, there was virtually no feedback and I ended up rather uncomfortable. I didn’t know if what I was doing was helpful, not, or otherwise. I wrote about this whole experience more in-depth here –> [[BI Walking on Estonian Eggshells]]

Seth and German Man

Both these 2 instances, with my roommate and the German man, have really made me realize how important it is to tell people around us how we’re feeling. If we’re angry, happy, sad, or otherwise, people deserve to know. We’re doing a disservice to ourselves and the people we care about if we’re not expressing our interests. If we don’t express ourselves, others have utterly no way of knowing what we’re thinking unless we tell them.

As I said before, body language is a huge piece of this – More than half of what we mean is conveyed through body language (7% words, 38% tone, 55% body language). But if we don’t use our words, we’re still 45% mystery! We can’t expect people to read our minds, despite how much we may want them to. I still feel like Seth is a mystery because this dude’s daily average word count is in the single digits.

These 2 experiences have been eye-opening for me to be on the receiving end of communication and see just how much people are left in the dark unless we tell them what’s going on.

Ew, gross

Us introverts probably aren’t too fond of this concept… particularly if it means talking about our feelings… Yikes, I know.

It took 2 thoroughly uncomfortable experiences for me. It took 2 times with people who didn’t tell me how they were feeling before I even considered telling other people how I felt. Now I see how immensely important it is. Letting others know how we feel is the only way we’re able to create sustainable relationships. Help others help you.

We’re living our own perspective but everyone else is viewing you based on the sliver of information that you give them. It made me realize that we can’t expect others to be on the same page unless we tell them.

This is why nearly all of our problems with other people boil down to miscommunication. Conflicts are almost always rooted in a difference of views, but if each side would listen to the other and fully understand them, many problems would evaporate. We have to give those closest to us 100% of our thoughts if we want them to act in our best interests. This isn’t always comfortable, it rarely is, but we can give them at least some insight into ourselves. Otherwise, how can we expect their actions to align with our interests? And vice versa.

Growing up, I remember myself and my sisters perpetually being at odds with our dad. After careful reflection, I’ve reasoned that it likely came down to a misunderstanding. We didn’t understand what he wanted and he didn’t understand what we wanted. Both parties ended up frustrated.

A Brilliant Quote I Don’t Know the Source Of

“You have to teach others how to treat you”

It takes a lot of effort. It requires a shit ton of communication. It requires being uncomfortable. It sucks. But there’s no way we’ll keep people in our lives if we don’t make an effort to reach out and communicate.

It’s just like my roommate Seth and me. I would have had no clue and probably drifted away from him, someone I value if he hadn’t told me how he felt.

Finally

It’s worth it to take a moment to reflect on our relationships and see if we open up enough. Are you really on the same page? Can you really tell what they think and feel? Chances are, probably not.

Give your thoughts and ideas to the people closest to you so that you can help each other. I’ve been trying to do the same.

As I’m writing this, I guess I haven’t really told Seth how I feel either.

We all can improve our communication skills.